A Distant Soil by Colleen Doran

To the Billy Boyd and Lord of the Rings fans: I’m so glad you like this post. However, it is bad netiquette to take this post in toto and put it on other websites and message boards without prior permission. Fair use allows you to quote a limited amount, and good netiquette asks that you link back to me.

Please be considerate and use good netiquette! Thanks.

This post is from some years ago, but even so it gets scores of hits every month. So, I have brought it back from the old blog.

I have edited out the huge lead in which I describe my sad adventure trying to navigate the highways of New Jersey. The streets of New Jersey and the horrors to be found there are, apparently, not news.

I have also added the fan reactions from the original letter column, because it turned out the Fan From Hell was very well known around the country.

While I have done hundreds of shows over the years, I have rarely had problems with fans. I have said over and over that almost every problem you will ever have at a show – or anywhere else for that matter – will come in the form of an aspiring pro or frustrated pro. The Fan From Hell was just one more example of same.

And now, meet the Fan From Hell:

I’ve been saying it for awhile now. The Lord of the Rings fans are the mellowest of the mellow, the most polite and appreciative of fans, and the main reason I do so many Lord of the Rings conventions and so few others.

Sometimes the shows let us have autographs, sometimes not. You never know. Rules are different at every show. I never know with Creation Cons what to expect because at one show I may get a big packet with lots of instructions, badges for the dealer’s room, name badge, security rules, schedule, etc. At the next, they just put a wristlet on me and leave me to my business. I don’t really collect much by way of autographs, but I love the LOTR stuff.

Fangirl.

I gave Sean Astin a hello. The last time I saw JMS, he sent Astin greetings and I passed them along. Sean passed along a cryptic message back for JMS, that I cannot repeat. I felt like a courier for the CIA.

Billy Boyd is one of the best guests I have ever seen on the con circuit. Not only is he very lively and friendly, he is extremely tolerant of some extremely rude behavior.

I guess one of the reasons I feel so mellow at LOTR shows is that “academic and scholars” don’t get nearly as much attention at these shows at the actors do, so we can relax and enjoy ourselves and talk LOTR without feeling a lot of pressure.

However, I cannot believe some of the behavior that is directed toward the actors at these conventions. Almost every fan was wonderful. The few that weren’t were a horror.

Daniel Reeve was the calligrapher for the maps for LOTR and also did work on Chronicles of Narnia and Pirates of the Carribean. Lovely fellow with a very nice family, and he’s also a fine looking guy. He gets an inordinate amount of fangirl interest too, but his wife looked dead shocked at some of the girls that just thrust themselves on her husband for a hug and a grope. Mrs. Reeve had never been to a con before and really got an eyeful. My dealer’s table was down the row from his and one femmefan after another left saying “DAMN! He’s married!”

Late one night, The Reeve family, me and Billy Boyd were hanging about the bar getting a drink, and there was a particularly horrid woman who simply would not go away. Billy was incredibly polite. I mean, a martyr to manners. It was astonishing. This fan gave everyone, including other fans, the creeps.

While a number of folks broke the unspoken rule of “Thou shalt not bother the celebrity guest when he is having private time”, others obliterated the rule, nabbed autographs and got photos. Billy was more than kind. Some pros don’t care much, some do. As long as all is done within reason, I say.

But after repeatedly popping into the conversation, getting autographs, photos, and generally making a nuisance of herself, this one fan did not then whisk herself away. She remained to repeatedly run her fingernails down Billy’s back every time he turned away from her, grab his arm, and start giving him a massage. My mouth about dropped on the floor and Daniel and Mrs. Reeve looked like they were witnessing the events in an alternate universe.

The fact that the woman had been hanging about all weekend and behaving extremely strangely was bad enough, but to add to the weirdness, she often ingratiated herself by pushing forward her little daughter to grab your attention and then practically daring you to tell her to get lost. She bragged about how she could induce her kid to go on crying jags so that celebrities would spend more time with her. She would push forward her kid, and if the celebrity did not respond, the little girl would boo hoo on cue. Then, she could get access, a trick she used to continue to get access repeatedly.

She went on to brag that she was on disability, giving her the time and money to travel about to conventions to meet actors and famous people.

Your tax dollars at work.

She spent more than an HOUR at my booth regaling me with her adventures TWICE, and I could not get rid of her. Laura Cooper, another LOTR scholar and calligrapher, was a model of forbearance when we were both trapped by this woman and her daughter, unable to escape her gravitational pull. She was denser than a singularity and clearly both profoundly stupid and bumfart crazy. Sometimes it was hard to understand what she was saying as well, because she did not appear to have a tooth in her head. Her appearance was not her fault, but her behavior sure as hell was.

Several convention staffers – and even a few fans – tried to convince the woman to give Billy a break. Billy stepped away for a moment, and when he did, the woman leaned over to me and Mrs. Reeve and began complaining that people were telling her to leave Billy alone. Wasn’t that mean of them? Billy didn’t seem to mind! Billy liked her!

I had no words. And you know how unusual that is for me.

She slinked away after Billy did not come back for a time, and then we got on with having our drinks and relaxing. Billy returned and bought me a tipple, disappointed I was only drinking soda.

The Reeves’ are incredibly funny. I have to admit, at first I could not understand a word Billy Boyd said, but I eventually got the hang of his accent. Turns out he is a big Babylon 5 fan and just raved about, it, getting on a roll and urging everyone to see it. He is also ripping hilarious and can tell some whopper stories.

Unfortunately, the Fan from Hell made her reappearance, and Billy announced he was knocking off for the night. To our utter horror, the Fan From Hell then popped right up in front of Billy and spread her arms wide. Billy just stood there looking at her for a sec, until he realized what she wanted. A hug, of course! Jeezus Christ.

So, he quit the party and the Fan From Hell then zeroed in on Daniel Reeve, the next biggest celeb in the room. I had had enough. Especially when she spread her arms WIDE for a hug from Daniel in front of Daniel’s perplexed wife. It must have been like actually seeing someone give your innocent husband cooties.

I started to leave the bar and ran into a fan friend of mine right at the door, a lady I don’t really know very well, but who seems very nice. Once at a private party, I just grabbed her out of the audience to be my guest in the VIP room and we had a lot of fun.

All of the women having dinner at her table were apalled by the Fan From Hell’s behavior. “She gives fans a bad name!” No kidding. I have been on the convention circuit for years, and I have never seen anything like this woman. I have seen fans sleep outside pro’s hotel rooms, grab them by the crotch, proposition them, kiss them without invitation, go from door to door looking for their rooms, flash them, you name it, but I have never seen a toothless, middle aged mother who gets fraudulent disability pay that she uses to fly around the country and stalk celebrities while using her young daughter as a lure, inducing her to weep on cue to get the desired response.

This, my friends, I have never seen in anyone else.

I hope to never see it in anyone else again.

However, this is the third time I have witnessed the behavior of this awful woman, though never before, so up close and personal.

Billy Boyd is, perhaps, too saintly. Many postulated that his tolerance was just encouraging her, but even I, sharp tongued as I am, was in such bald shock at what I was seeing and experiencing, I did not utter one word of reprimand or protest either. Mostly I was just afraid that this crazy woman might murder me if I crossed her. I was just damned glad that her focus was elsewhere most of the weekend, because when it was on me, I did not know what the hell to do. I felt trapped.

It was very telling of the calibre of fans at this show that so many expressed concern for the welfare of the guests and went out of their way to try to keep guests from being harassed or maltreated. I am really impressed with this group of people.

Aside from the Fan From Hell adventure, the rest of the weekend was quite fun, with Emerald Rose providing the music for the convention party, Celtic tunes running until 3 AM. I did not last that long. A con staffer named Lisa was also having her birthday, and I was delighted when the convention brought out a cake, and signed cards for us at a little surprise party during cocktail hour. Emerald Rose then sang us “Happy Birthday”, and Sideshow Collectibles gave me a much appreciated gift certificate. Their eyes kind of bugged out when I told them I already had about 40 sculptures.

I won first and second place in the art show, which was very nice, but I was a little bummed that I didn’t have much new work to display. I bought one of Laura’s pieces for my studio, a quote from LOTR written in Tengwar.

The costume contest was small but very good. There was also a talent show, which featured a man who played a long musical piece on didgeridoo. He created some of the creepiest noises I have ever heard in my life, and it made me feel like I was being subjected to some sort of government experiment in brown noise.

I had a loverly, loverly weekend overall until I realized I had left my lights on in the car the day before while packing up my stuff in the dealer’s room. Fortunately, a very nice fan whom I have seen at many shows gave me a jump. I could not find my AAA card (and still can’t find it).

I got lost AGAIN on the way out of town, but I realized my mistake quickly and the previous 1 hour detour cost me only 10 minutes.

I had originally intended to stay in the city for a few more days to get into New York to see clients, but by golly, I still don’t have a lot of energy and really need to get back to work. I did manage to get to see Elayne Riggs, who popped out to the hotel for dinner. She treated me and her husband Robin Riggs to burgers, and I treated her to some of mom’s pickles and some produce from the home garden. My meeting with Keith Giffen was called off, so I ditched my trip to town.

I didn’t get out of the show without one more encounter with the Fan From Hell. She showed up while Garfeimao, the Reeve family and I were having breakfast. I beat a fast exit.

I am back at work now.

c

Reactions from the original comments thread:

Peggy

Of course, as for the Fan from Hell, I know exactly of whom you speak. That woman has been the bane of the last few conventions. I have been around plenty of celebrities over the course of many years, and I have seen this behavior before. It’s classic. Most celebrities are aware of it but are helpless to do anything about it since they are in the public light. The perpetrators are often clueless to their social atrocities.

I can’t bear it when mothers (or fathers)use their crying kids as bait and this woman seems to have made a career out of it. I have seen her coach her (usually barefoot) kids and it’s truly upsetting to me, especially when it’s obvious that the child does not want to do it.

At a convention in Florida, she coached her youngest while in line to ask Elijah Wood a question. The little girl was in tears, begging her mom not to make her do it, but she would not relent. She was taking advantage of Elijah’s kindness from a while back when he hugged the girl to comfort her since the Q & A session had been cut off right before her question. Since then, the mom has taken every opportunity to use her daughter(s) for attention.

If you think about it, this is not only pathetic, it’s downright disturbing. Sure, how she raises her kids is her business (even if I hate it) but I don’t approve of inappropriate behavior toward celebrities who are guests and who should not have to deal with this, especially on their free time. Some might say it’s part of their job, but when a fan crosses the line onto physical contact, that changes everything.

I used to think she was only after Elijah, but I guess each of the LOTR celebs are fair game. I’m sorry you had to witness this (again), Colleen. The next time I encounter the woman, if she behaves in this manner, I will not hold back.

Colleen:

It was only after posting this did I realize that this woman is known far and wide. There have been a flurry of links to this blog since this story went up, and fans are sharing their horror stories about her all over the internet. There were many witnesses to Fright Night in the Bar at ELF with the Fan From Hell.

I had seen this woman a couple of times before at shows, but never observed her closely. She struck me as odd, but after spending several hours in her presence (quite reluctantly, I must say), I can honestly state I would rather drink Draino than have a conversation with her again, let alone let her give me a hug. Come to think of it, I did break out in a rash after the show. Do you think my proximity to this woman had anything to do with it?

She won’t keep me (or anyone else I can think of) from going to any conventions, but I would be a lot more aggressive about rejecting her company in future. Being an artist, I am not a serious stalker magnet at these shows, though I do realize that being seen with Daniel and Billy made me stalker magnet by proxy.

And Peggy, you may find it amusing to know that you were not the only woman at ELF last year who was approached by you-know-who for a little convention get-together. You know what I mean.

Apparently, the diminutive Stud Puppet Wannabe put the moves on yet another blonde that weekend, and her reaction was to ask a friend to fend him off. Stud Puppet got the clue (eventually) and gave it up. Apparently, he is able to get a clue after being rejected by every single woman he approached at an entire convention. It seems he is not yet in a vegetative state, even though he thinks with his cucumber.

Alas for Stud Puppet Wannabe! No convention nookie for him! No poetry! No wine! I guess he’ll have to restrict the use of his otherwise unknowable charms to the company of his wife.

Needless to say, he was not at ELF this year. Thank God.

Ty:

I’m so sorry that the Reeves got sent into con shock from exposure to American fans. I’m an American expat living in New Zealand, and a big LOTR fan. We’ve been very lucky in New Zealand with all our opportunities to meet people involved in the films. However, because of fans like that, I am always very shy and brief when I have met them. I live in Wellington now, and I’d certainly like to see Daniel Reeve talk some time, as he does occasionally, but I’d never act like that.

These fangirls should come to Wellington and get their come-uppance; for a while, “I was an extra in LOTR” was a pick-up line used by otherwise unappealing local men to reel in impressionable backpacker girls.

I will never forget being in the foyer of an auditorium for one of Howard Shore’s LOTR concerts during the Wellington premiere of ROTK. I was chatting with my friends when a squeal swept through the packed auditorium, and everyone converged on the door as Orlando or Viggo or Elijah came in. We didn’t join the throng, so we were treated to the sight of Dan Henning from Weta and Alan Lee(!!!) strolling undisturbed across the newly spacious foyer, enjoying a chat.

Dee:

I remember the swelling of emotions from everyone who was at ORC 2005 and those who weren’t, when this sweet little girl started to cry and one of the most touching displays of affection was shown when Elijah picked her up and comforted her.

My first con was ELF 2005. I was delighted when I saw the same little girl there with her mother, but became annoyed very quickly when the mother push her innocent little child on the fans, then on Elijah once again, who either didn’t remember the incident from before or pretended he didn’t.

The mother stated at the microphone at the Q&A from 2005′s ELF, that her daughter had a speech impediment. Well, little did I know that this overweening woman lives in my state, and was traveling the same means as I was. While waiting in DC to continue home, I spotted the woman on her cell phone. She was speaking to, I assume her husband, when she called her little girl over to talk. And boy did she ever! No speech impediment was to be heard. She spoke clear as a bell. That’s when I new this person was a lying, hording, clamorous, prude. Traveling home, she whips out her photo album and procceds to badger others with her tales, and they could care less. She did it again this year with the same results from other travelers.

I felt for Billy that night at the bar. I was just happy to be in his presence, and let him try to enjoy his evening relaxing. But he’s too kind to actually say “Go away woman. You’re creeping me out.” I was surprised he stayed as long as he did.

On to better things. I’m happy you made it to the hotel in one piece. I saw your wonderful sculptures and thought about buying one, but my luggage was all ready bursting, and for fear of damaging one of them, I curbed my temptation by staying away. Congratulations on winning the competition.

I wish you much success at your next con, and hopefully the toothless wonder will not be there.

Colleen:

You know, I almost didn’t post any of this because it was so freaky and I don’t want to put fans in a bad light. However, this woman has quite the reputation, and it is clear I wasn’t having delusions about the incident. Apparently, lots of fans have seen her in action and they are not happy.

Here’s what I had to watch over Billy’s shoulder.

I went to the bar expecting to have drinks with the Reeves. I did not know Billy would be there. Nice!

I was on the far end of Daniel, Daniel politely introduced me to Billy. Now, I have met Billy several times, and even sat across from him at dinner two years ago. He remembers dinner, but really doesn’t remember me much, even though he politely claimed to remember. I was sitting next to Sandro Kopp all night and I am friends with Sandro, but never really spoke much to Billy. Because I couldn’t understand his accent, to be perfectly honest.

Anyway, Daniel’s little girl was sitting on a bar stool next to Billy and she got up to go play video games, or whatever. Her brother also wandered off eventually.

The Fan From Hell then had clear access to the stool next to Billy, so Daniel (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) and the Mrs. encouraged me to have a seat. At first I refused because I didn’t really want to sit down, even if it was next to Billy, but when they repeated the request – a little more insistently – it became obvious I was to be seated as a buffer.

This means, the whole time I was talking to Billy and the Reeves, the Fan From Hell was in my direct sight line. And I should get an Oscar for the acting I was doing, because it took everything I had not to burst out in outraged guffaws.

She stood behind Billy and would work herself up into a little dance of glee in her Billy zone. She would kind of giggle to herself, bob up and down, and then she would lift her hands and wiggle her fingers like she was about to play a piano.

This was a cue that at any moment, she would TOUCH the WONDER that is BILLY BOYD’S BACK! Most women wouldn’t be induced to orgasm by this, but she would tremble with glee each time. She would make these little claw hand shapes, and then she would rake her hands down Billy’s back to get his attention. She looked like a cat arranging sand in her litter box.

He would jump a little, then turn and politely address her, and then try to turn away again.

She did this several times. Each time she would wave her little fingers, in my mind I screamed “NOOOOOO! Don’t touch him!”

Then she would give him a back grope, and again my mind screamed “COVER THAT WITH LATEX!!!”

After getting her Billy attention fix, she would then giggle, and rub her hands with delight, and continue to carry on a conversation with herself that had been ended by everyone else. Ocasionally, she would fall silent, yet continue to have a stupefied expression of wonder on her face. Then she would work herself up into a little frenzy, give Billy a taste of her Cat Scratch Fever, and it would start all over again.

The Reeve’s were talking about visiting, and I was telling them how I could take them around Washington, DC, how I’d worked at the Smithsonian, etc, and how much of the museum was underground. They’d need at least a week in Washington just to see everyone at the mall.

Anyway, this gave the Fan From Hell yet another in to thrust over and announce that she was from Washington, only it was Washington State. Repeatedly, she told us how she lived in Washington. However, we’d been discussing Washington, DC. She, again, repeatedly informed us that she lived in Washington and it wasn’t like a city! Not a city like New Jersey! Was she speaking of Jersey City? I dunno, because I just drove through New Jersey and most of the state does not appear to be city, either. So, without elaborating on what exactly the hell goes on in Washington State, or why it was different than Washington DC, or why it was not a city like New Jersey, she just kept saying “I’m from Washington!”

She was either drunk or off her meds. I could not tell which.

When she wandered away and gave us a momentary respite from her tedious conversation and squicky company, one of the party (and I will not say who) made a crack about the Fan From Hell and her resemblance to someone from the film Deliverance, and the only thing that upsets me about that acidic joke is that I did not think of it first.

I took a moment to inform the jokester that the woman was from a state nowhere near south of the Mason Dixon Line and I refused, as a Southerner, to take responsiblity for her.

All in all, a very weird evening that will be cocktail conversation for awhile to come.

Bunnie:

I was in the bar that night and was one of the many fans who were shocked and angry at the behavior of the Fan from Hell. We tried to think of something we could do to help get her away from your group, but all of our attempts to distract her, lure her away, or tell her outright that she had no right to disturb you the way she was fell flat. We talked about calling security, and decided that she wasn’t technically doing anything wrong (and yet it was so, so wrong) and that security probably wouldn’t have done anything. In retrospect, I wish we had at least tried. It was appalling to watch, and almost made me ashamed to call myself a fan when someone this embarrassing could be lumped into that same category.

Even worse, though, is the way this woman (I really can’t even bring myself to call her a ‘fan’) uses her children to try to get attention, extra time with the celebrities, and things for free that other con attendees have had to pay for. She has been to all four LOTR conventions that Creation Entertainment has produced so far, and I understand that she’s gotten everything from free photos with the stars to free admission to events that she should have been charged for. I also understand, however, that Creation are now familiar with her and no longer give her special treatment.

But she’s teaching these kids to lie and cry on cue, and I’m sure they’re learning from their mother that where celebrities are concerned, anything goes: it’s perfectly okay to invade their personal space and bother them during their personal time. It doesn’t matter how you behave, what you have to do, or how the celebrity reacts as long as you can get close to them for as long as you can.

What she does borders on child abuse. I’ve heard people tell stories of her at ELF last year, where her youngest child (4-5 years old) tearfully begged to be allowed to go back to their room, and the mother wouldn’t allow it because they had to stay and see Elijah. I’ve also been told that she’s let this child and her older sister (who must be about nine) spend time at a hotel pool unattended.

And the stories that she tells! If she finds out which room a celebrity is staying in, she will happily tell anyone who will listen. She’ll tell the same story over and over again about how Elijah hugged her little daughter (which is true) and how the celebrities just love her. Then there are the tall tales: she actually stopped one of my friends in the hall that night after the Incident in the Bar and bragged about spending time with Billy, and actually told this friend that Billy had been buying her drinks! She’s also been heard telling tales about such-and-such an actor’s marriage breaking up (patently untrue), or that this other actor had propositioned her (er. Ew.) I don’t know if she’s delusional or simply prone to (gross, over-the-top, preposterous, etc.) exaggeration.

Anyway. I’m hoping that the exposure this incident is getting will help to alert both the fans and the con organizers to the problem of this woman, and if she shows up at future LOTR cons (which seems likely, unfortunately), people will be ready to do whatever it takes to keep her in line and away from the celebrity guests.

I’m sorry that she put a bit of a damper on the weekend for so many people. It was awfully nice to get the chance to meet you and chat with you a bit and admire your beautiful artwork, though, and I do hope to bump into you again at future cons!

Take care~

Fishgoat:

Like many fen I was appalled when I heard what had happened to the guests at Elf (I wasn’t there, but a few of my on-line friends were). FFH was the worst by far, yet sadly she was not the only rude person there.

I know that several of the fen who attended will be writing letters to Creation regarding the incidents they witnessed. (I was curious if you were planning on taking similar action, and if you had already, what reply you received?)

As an aside: I was quite happy to see that you were still around when I saw you interviewed for Ringers: Lord of the Fans. I have to admit I’ve been rather out of touch with the graphic novel world since I lost interest in Elfquest (and yes, I think I have the original B&W inserts for ADS packed somewhere, probably in the same box as my EQ books!)

Glad you enjoyed some of the con, at least!

Addendum 2009:

What happened to the Fan From Hell? Don’t have a clue. The Lord of the Rings convention circuit seems to have died off, and the old gang isn’t around. I’ve not heard one word about her in years, though she got a lot of attention on fandom discussion boards for a time.

You may have noted the “Stud Puppet Wannabe” mentioned in one of the reactions to this post: that’s the same guy who used to be discussed as Moondoggie Writer Bob on the old blog. He’d been a nebbishly, D-list prose writer/huckster of my acquaintance for years. One day I found out he was a raging hoard of pent up passions, and had been writing mash letters about me to third parties. I ended our friendship as soon as I found out (just one of dozens of good reasons to end it.)

Afterward, a number of my friends came forward to say that he had been hitting on them too, and behaving like a complete jerk in general. I feel sorry for his wife, who was an unpleasant woman, but still.

Whatever happened to Moondoggie Writer Bob? Hell if I know. He hasn’t been seen on the circuit in years, and no one I know hears from him at all.

Maybe he hooked up with the Fan From Hell? They were both looking for some action.

That would have been quite a match.

c