Here’s something I wrote on another board for a good buddy, Danny Donovan, who is dealing with the sometimes uncomfortable cost of moving forward when others can’t.
Danny has a new project over at DC’s Zuda. His webcomic is Kogoshii.
So, here it is.
Give yourself permission to not be liked by total strangers, and yet to go on living a happy productive life.
Give yourself permission to do what is in your best interest.
Free yourself of the good opinion of others. The only opinion that counts is that of your own conscience.
Give yourself permission to leave people who are not good for you, because if they are not good for you, then their proximity to you is not good for them, either.
Charity begins at home: if you give, and give and give to others, then one day you will have nothing left to give. Give yourself permission to give to yourself.
Don’t let anyone emotionally blackmail you into believing that your happiness is a sin against them.
That last one is sometimes hard to deal with even under the best of circumstances. Especially these days. When a good friend has hit a serious hard time, and yet something wonderful has just happened for you, it’s hard not to feel guilty about your good thing. Of course, if the other person really is a good friend, they will be pleased for you.
I admit to having felt that pang. I wouldn’t call it envy, because I do not resent my friend for what they have achieved, and because they deserve all the success and happiness that comes their way. It is not jealousy, because I do not fear losing what I have to anyone.
If anything, once in awhile, I look at what some friends have managed to do with their lives and look at what I have done, and I simply feel inadequate. Sometimes even embarrassed that I am in such lofty company, and I don’t deserve to be there.
This doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it is a pretty low feeling.
I get over it by making them pay for lunch.
You have no idea how much I needed to read this today.
I’m adding: give yourself permission not to have to put up with your family’s crap just because you share DNA with them.
Word.
It’s never been a problem for me, personally, but it’s a big problem for some.
Thanks. I really needed this today.
I have a family member that I’m trying to help out. She was recently diagnosed as bipolar with psychotic tendencies. She ended up hosptialized after a breakdown that had her convinced that the FBI was following her, that her landlord was evicting her (which he wasn’t at all; in fact, he’s been a tremendous help in all of this), and that she had to resign from her job (which I was able to help her recover beginning next month, and they even let her file unemployment so she’d have money for the next month).
During this time, my wife and I dipped into our pockets to help her, including offering to pay all the copays that weren’t covered by her insurance. We did this willingly, as long as she kept up her treatments. I also have rounded up a new PC, TV, DVD, cell phone, air mattress (and I’m working on a bed) and some dishes for this person, since she had trashed all of her stuff.
Last week, my wife had surgery on her wrist. I couldn’t take off work that day (I’ve only been on this contract for a few months), so my mother-in-law took care of my wife. As thanks to my mom-in-law, and as a get-well present to my wife, I splurged and spent a C-note at Godiva for the two of them.
My relative heard of this and blew up at me, telling me I was a liar and a horrible person. This was spurred on because I wouldn’t give her $50 for cigarettes, mind you. I was horribly selfish because I didn’t spend the money on this person.
At some point this weekend, to “get even” for all of this, I think I’m going back to Godiva and buying my wife and MIL some more. They’ve been awesome to me and to this relative, and they deserve every bit of praise in the world. And I’m not answering the phone for a few days.
(Sorry, I needed to vent.)
Ray, I am very sorry for what you are going through. I think a lot of people on this board can relate.
While it is unfortunate that some people suffer from mental illnesses, the equally unfortunate cost is that they sometimes cause a great deal of pain for the people who deal with them.
Having had to deal with some destructive mentally ill people myself, it took me a long time to realize:
Joining them in their unhappiness will not ease their pain.
Personal sacrifice will not make their mental illness go away.
And BTW, you’re a saint.
It wasn’t a problem for me either till Mom died. She really was the linchpin of the family. Without her, the rest of it’s falling apart.
Her memorial service is supposed to be Saturday, and it turns out that I’m now unable to go. I was going to go with my father, and we were all going up together and splitting costs and everything, then it changed to “we don’t have room in the car for you, find your own way up but we’ll meet you there” and now it’s “oh we’re bringing my nephew’s friend since now we have room in the car, and we’re going to go do this and that but you’re on your own, too bad.” This at the last possible minute.
So this weekend my goddaughter’s family is going to host us instead, and we’re going to find something appropriate to honor my mother with, probably involving good wine and a swimming pool and laughter and company that wants me there.
I’m terribly sorry to hear this. What a trying time for you! Please accept my deepest condolences. I am so deeply sorry for you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.
Arlnee — so sorry for you in having to deal with that kind of ickyness at this time. It’s hard enough to lose a parent, but then to have other family behaving like that is awful.
Do enjoy your personal memorial time. Bless you.
Arlnee,
Sorry for what you are going through and I hope you find inner peace from your private memorial.
This is a little too real for me as I am currently out of town due to a death in the family.
Ray, Arlnee, and Miki — hang in there, all.
Thanks to everyone for their kind words, and Arlnee, I wish you the best.
And Colleen, thanks for doing what *you* do. The art you create is a lot more fun to look at and talk about than this crap.
And your office is really cool-looking.
And I wish everyone the very best in these trying times. I am so sorry to hear what you are all going through!
Thanks to all the above, and my thoughts to Ray and Miki and everyone else who is having bad crap going on right now. I’m making an effort to remind myself that it’s only permanent if I don’t let go of it.
And Colleen: your bumpersticker is awesome and made me smile a lot
I’d totally vote Yeager!
Arlnee, Miki, and Ray, I can not begin to understand the situations you are being put through, I hope, with time, all will be better. Your grief, troubles, sadness melt away, and serenity will find you.
Thank you Colleen for words that have reenforced my resolve. I find that I feel guilty for doing good things for myself, and this should not be the case. I listen to others problems as well, people at work, out and about come to me and vent their frustrations, and sorrows upon me. But when I try to do the same no one listens, it tends to frustrate me to no end. I have family cry on my shoulder, tell me secrets that I’d rather not know, it’s alot to take on.
I have cut off my father’s side of the family, all except his eldest brother. They manipulated and abused me, and my father for years. They invited hostile elements into their lives that are like poison, and tried to guilt us into helping them. Until I took control and cut them off, not for myself, but for my father. He would help them after all they did, and didn’t do. I just need to exercise that control over other facets of my life, so I won’t be used.
Ms. Doran, not to be too nosy, but what’s in that bookshelf underneath the archers?
Thank you for reminding me how blessed I am. I hope everyone finds a little happiness every day. (For me, I just recall a soundbite from old Warner Brothers cartoons, and that gets me chuckling.)
OK, the top shelf is mostly plain old fashioned reference like dictionaries, but a real treasure is a first edition Hokusai’s Manga by Steinbeck. There’s audio of a series of classes on Medieval Heroines, some computer books, grammar books I should crack open more often. An articulated artist’s wooden horse model. Gold boxes full of perfume I never wear. A sculpture of my old cat. A jar of junk with “fur balls” carved on it. A round promotional box of The History Channel’s Alexander the Great mini-series. Family photos.
You’ll see a block of brown wooden cases on one shelf, and those hold sets of A Distant Soil and some of my favorite comics. Next to that, the Encyclopedia of Art. Missing a volume or two, bought for a buck each at a library book sale.
Miscellaneous references for the new book project, a few manga, some dvd’s, and lots of art books. Some art supplies, a statue of Pallas Athena, a few candles I never light.
The boxes on top of the file cabinet to the right are no longer there. This pick is maybe six weeks old. I have my television there now.
The framed piece on the wall: a poster from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, signed to me by most of the cast and crew.
Not a whole lot of great interest on the bookshelves there, because that is where the work stuff goes. The bottom shelves, however, are really tall, so there are some coffee table types stored there. Art Nouveau, Art Deco, the Pre-Raphaelites, Hokusai. Very fine high-end books, some of them. Real treasures.
One shelf holds my favorite King Arthur books.
Thanks for all your well wishes!
We had the services for my brother-in-law on Monday (he was 2 years younger than me) and I have spent this week being of comfort to my sister and my neices as well as helping my sister with planning her finances. I have to be back home next week but my younger brother will be around to continue to provide support.