Completely Creepy Comic Book Moments
For lo, I went out from my mountain stronghold to roam amongst the people. And in the city I found a discount store. And in the discount store, there were prepackaged sets of TEN – count ‘em – TEN comics, all in color for only $5! Huzzah!
Now, I don’t get out much, and maybe ten comics for $5 isn’t cause for celebration to some people, but I was stoked. The comics were random goodies with cover dates going back 15 years, some with foil covers, some with hologram covers. Lookin’ good! Cheap reads, all major titles like Superman and X-Men. Maybe I’d keep ‘em all for my lonesome, or share them with the family tykes. For $5, there wasn’t much to lose. These were mountains of overstocks being sold by some comics retailer in Pennsylvania. Thanks, guys!
While I pondered which tempting set to purchase for my very own, I was approached by a crazy lady. It appears to be my lot in life to attract Teh Crazy wherever I may roam, even in Ollie’s Discount Store. I think it has something to do with the fact that I am short and don’t look like I would put up much of a fight.
The crazy lady radiated bug-eyed intensity, and she began to explain – with no prompting from me – that she would not be buying any comics for her son because he knew more about Spider-Man than he knew about Jesus.
I blinked for a moment, and then made the mistake of saying “Excuse me?”, which engaged her. And then I could not get rid of her. Once she found a sounding board, she sounded off. And because she was twice my size and full of raving crazy, she scared me. So, I took off and didn’t even buy any comics. Which proves she was right about me, that I would not put up much of a fight against her raving crazy. Not in Ollie’s Discount Store, anyway. Not even over $5 sets of comics.
Curse the crazy lady.
In the interest of fairness, I present creepy and crazy moments in comics to go along with the crazy and creepy religious fit in Ollie’s Discount Store.
These links to Cracked online are not what I would call work safe. It is possible they will make you laugh until you pee. You were warned.
Creepiest Sex Scenes in Comics.
6 Creepiest Comics Characters of All Time.
6 Superheroes Who Completely Lost Their S**T.
I’m sure we could all come up with creepy moments that beat all those listed, but because I am overworked, I would just rather read someone else’s list right now.
Oh, I am raising moolah, too. So check out my ebays.
c
August 17th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Thank you so much for the links, they have split my side like nothing else in a very long while.
I always dread the crazy folk. I tend to make up my own twisted skewed observation on the world, talk about the end of days, the BEAST that is the internet, branding of people by doctors in order to keep track of us like cattle, crazy stuff that scares even them off. Don’t let the crazies win, come out victorious for all the Ollie’s Discount Store’s of the world.
August 17th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Oh, those were GOOD. I’m glad I read those before anyone else got into the office, though. The howls of laughter might’ve been hard to explain. My Monday has started off right!
August 17th, 2009 at 11:30 am
I remember that issue of Avengers and still have it on file somewhere around here. I thought it was odd then, but I was just a kid. As an adult, I can only ponder how it got past an editor.
For an utterly awesome and more complete overview of that sleezy Superman tale, check out this link:
http://livingbetweenwednesdays.blogspot.com/2007/01/hot-action-comics.html
August 17th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Very very funny!
And this after a night at the local comedy club!
Reminds me of this site where you can literally waste hours away-
http://www.superdickery.com/
August 17th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Curse you, I have deadlines to meet. Man, that is addictive!
August 17th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
good god yall. I’m filing these with the “Hulk at the YMCA” book under “you have to see it to believe it, and even then not so much”
August 17th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
I had almost forgotten about that. Got link?
August 17th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
can’t find a link to the book, but I have a deconstruction here:
http://www.lonelygods.com/h/80s.html
August 17th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Great link! Thanks!
Er, not funny for those of you looking for more of the funny.
August 18th, 2009 at 3:08 am
Yeah, as a kid I was always creeped out by the local comic book store owner. He used to watch us like a hawk and anytime we tried to even open a comic he would rush over and tell us we had to buy it on face value alone. He didn’t want to risk that any of his precious comics would get bent. It made buying them sort of hard.
August 18th, 2009 at 10:42 am
We’ve all had weird encounters with creepy comic store owners.
There was one guy I had the misfortune to encounter who ran his store like a cult. He was obsessed with serial killers, slipped mash notes to me when I visited his store, told everyone who shopped there I was his girlfriend (he told everyone who shopped there almost all females who shopped there were girlfriends, so it was nothing personal, but I was damn insulted because I would not have touched that guy with sterilized instruments, even to study parts under a microscope,) made weird phone calls, and then denied he made them (I could actually hear the pinball machines in his shop in the background ) and would just show up at my home claiming to just be in the neighborhood though it was a 2 hour round trip to get there.
To prove he had not made the phone calls, he circulated a phone bill showing no calls to my home. A phone bill covering a period during which I had not received phone calls. Like, six months prior.
At one point, he claimed he could not be in the shop for days at a time, because he was living with and tending me when I was sick. Which never happened, of course. At that point, I hadn’t even seen the dude or been to his shop in something like 6 months.
He also claimed that we were all wiccans, were part of a coven which met at his home (where I’ve never been,) and that I used my magical powers to further my career.
In general, he was a psycho.
When his shop finally collapsed due to the big sucking black hole of weird he created, I dunno how many people (including me) got letters threatening to sue us for destroying his kingdom of comics. There was no lawsuit, of course. Just more drama from the drama king.
He had a particular mad-on for poor Ken Talton (who sometimes posts here as Brickmuppet, http://brickmuppet.mee.nu/) and for over a year, Ken was the target of harassment, including vandalism.
Yes, the creepy shop owner actually convinced some of his customers that poor Ken was Teh Evil, and some customers – like the good cultists they were – responded by punishing Ken for crimes against the Comic Shop Owner. There were also random acts of vandalism and harassment toward other comic shops in the general area.
That went on for months.
The crazy shop owner eventually moved away and no one I know has heard from him since, but I sincerely hope he got the medical help he clearly needed.
None of it was funny while it was going on. And he was so creepy and weird, it’s not even really funny now, I guess.
I will never forget the black gunk he always had on his teeth. I have no idea what that stuff was. I assume it was snuff or something. God knows.
Most of the other comic shop owners I have known have been pretty cool. Especially in comparison to that guy.
August 18th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
As far as cheap comics go, most large comic conventions usually have a few dealers with dollar boxes (and on Sunday, they are often cheaper). Like most artists I know, you probably don’t have time to walk around and check out dealers at the conventions you attend.
And I echoyour last statement on comic shop owners. Most of the ones I have been in lately have very cool people running the store.
August 18th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Yeah, this dude was around during the early 1990 comics boom. I think he went bust around 1992.
Shops run by unpleasant people don’t survive. The shop the scary comics shop guy counted as his big rival is still around. I saw The Rival at Charlotte Heroes Con. I used to do a lot of business with him. He is a great guy.
And yeah, I don’t get a lot of time to shop at shows. I made the rounds at Heroes Con, but I only had about an hour.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:41 am
Wow your comic book store owner was scarier then mine. At least my fellow weird owner had a somewhat charming english accent which almost made it ok for him to badger us. You should write a character in a book about yours, it certainly sounds like fiction.
August 20th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Dude, I barely knew that guy. All I know is he ran a comic shop, and bought some stuff from me when I first started self publishing. I bought stuff in his store. And he turned out to be a whack job.
If someone writes a book about him, that ought to be Ken. I think he worked part time in the shop.