(EDIT: The server issues were a big fat botch on the part of our hosting company, which we have now left. This website comes to you courtesy DC McQueen and the good people at Media Temple who spent many hours fixing what Dreamhost broke. My site was not full functioning – and indeed, not online – for the better part of an entire week.)
I am not here.
And because I am not here, this place is your playground, so everyone be nice.
There is something I would like you to do while I am going that is way more fun than just being nice.
It would be loads of comics goodness to take a bunch of utterly lame comic book characters and try to make a decent comic out of them. Yeah, I know, that’s what the Inferior Five was about, but I’m serious. Let’s make a good comic out of crap comics.
There’s this utterly obscure character named Ultraa I’ve always wanted a shot at. I adored this character back in the day. He only appeared a few times. I suppose I kinda dug the guy because 1) he had long red hair 2) he had kind of a sexy Legion of Superheroes/Dave Cockrum-type costume, and 3) he was Australian, raised by Aborigines. Aussie dudes are hot.
And he also came from Earth Prime, which was the DC version of the real world.
I totally stole this image from this website.
For some reason, in his second appearance, it looks like the artist drew him as a giant. Either that, or the perspective was way off in every shot. Dunno.
Years after he appeared twice in the Justice League series, he’s shown up a couple more times, wearing more clothes and sporting a new origin. But I always liked the idea that he had been raised in the Outback. A Superman analog raised by Aborigines.
Anyway, lame with lame sauce, right?
But, there ARE no lame characters! No lame concepts! Only lame execution! That’s my motto and I’m sticking to it.
OK, let’s engage in fannish glee.
What lame character would you like to see revived? Provide links so we can see just how lame lame is.
If you were going to pick something totally lame for me, feel free. If you’d rather pick something for you, tell us all about it and what you would like to do.
Chances of any of these things ever being done are about the same as getting all your money back from Bernie Madoff, but who cares? Let’s just giggle in public. Because, we can.
c
Ultraa © ® DC Comics. God help them.
I’m kind of surprised Ultraa hasn’t turned up lately, since the Earth-Prime Superboy has been running around causing trouble.
Anyway, I have an inexplicable fondness for a minor DC character called Prince Ra-Man:
http://www.toonopedia.com/ra-man.htm
His powers are vague, his origins are muddled (he’s somehow the reincarnation of another, even lamer character named “Mark Merlin”), and he fights evil in a lime green shirt and bright orange cape. His biggest claim to fame is that he fought Eclipso a couple of times. His other arch-enemy was a tuxedo-wearing mad scientist named Doctor 7.
Still, it seems like there’s some raw material there to work with. He’s part ancient Egyptian prince and part contemporary American, there’s all this unresolved sexual tension with his associate Elsa (she doesn’t know that he’s the reborn spirit of her old boyfriend Mark), and despite his questionable fashion sense, he does have a pretty cool goatee. A clever writer and an appropriately stylish/trippy artist could do something interesting with him.
For some unfathomable reason I have a fondness for Vartox, a pal of Superman who was basically Sean Connery in Speedos, waist coat, and thigh-length boots. If you’ve seen the film Zardoz, then that’s pretty much what DC was aiming at. As to why, Who knows?
http://www.thefifthbranch.com/images/vartox.jpg
Give him long hair and he’d fit right into ADS.
He was in one of the very earliest issues of Superman I ever saw, so my liking for him is clearly nostalgic. I’ve not read the comic in question for more than a quarter of a century, so I’ve no idea how it stands up now — but just looking at his picture again tells me I really have to seek it out darn quickly.
I do well remember the Ultraa issues of JLA: they were bold and exciting to a kid as they were in that giant-size 52-page format.
Lame, eh? Hmmm. Well, there’s Aquam—– Oh, wait. Working on that.
I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it.
Argent. She’s not really lame, just incredibly underused and misused.
OK, I’m going to cheat a bit and expand the challenge to include TV shows. In this case, I’d like to take a crack at “Electra Woman and Dyna Girl,” a series which was part of “The Krofft Supershow” in 1976. For those who are too young, too old, or just too cool to have seen it, here’s a link to a clip from the show:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KVKc9ljem4
I understand they tried to revive this show as a cynical parody of the original, with Electra Woman as a retired, embittered alcoholic whose first husband left her for the original Dyna Girl. Markie Post played Electra Woman in the pilot, which never aired. To me its just as well. I’m not a big fan of the whole “more cynical than thou” angle.
Here’s what I’d do with the concept:
Lori Loomis, aka Electra Woman, was a fast-rising star among the super-hero set, and before long she landed a cushy gig with a well-funded and well-regarded network of super-powered crimefighters in Los Angeles called Crimescope. Lori became one of the “A-list” superheroes. She was making great money, getting high-profile assignments, and sweet endorsement deals. Life couldn’t be better.
Then Lori blew the whistle on a couple of corrupt but well-connected teammates, and suddenly her life unraveled. She was fired from Crimescope for trumped-up reasons, and vicious rumors began swirling about her in the media. She fought back, through the media and the courts, and an investigation into her teammates’ conduct vindicated Lori. Unfortunately, in the eyes of the public she had been tarnished.
Lori was ready to hang up her tights until Frank Hefflin, a regional administrator with Crimescope, approached her about another assignment. Crimescope had recently agreed to expand its operations into areas of the country underserved by super-heroes in exchange for an increase in funding from the federal government, and Frank wanted Lori to head up Crimescope’s operations in, of all places, Indianapolis.
Lori balked at the idea initially, but having run out of options she agreed to take on the assignment. She’s been paired up with Judy Jensen, aka Dyna Girl, a courageous but annoying idealistic young woman who reminds Lori a bit too much of herself at that age. Lori now finds herself fighting villains with silly names and even sillier M.O.’s, like The Empress of Evil and The Spider Lady.
Lori soon learns, however, that when lives are on the line there are no “B-list” threats. And a hero is still a hero, even if her exploits only make it into the local paper. And even if this isn’t the life she’d have chosen for herself, she may have found her destiny. Because one way or another, this is a world that needs heroes like Electra Woman and Dyna Girl.
(Obviously not a well-thought-out idea, but we’re just having fun here, right?)
I’ve got one; Mordechai (Typo Lad at CBR) Luchins and I developed the concept, and Tom Stillwell wrote the pitch for it. We can’t get anybody at DC to look at it. You already mentioned the characters.
The Inferior Five.
I think it could be a perfect addition to the Johnny DC line, with just one tiny change from the original concept: Make them kids.
The original book is a jokey parody based on the idea of incompetent superheroes who know they’re incompetent and try anyway. It has clever moments, but isn’t really self-sustaining.
But if you make them children, suddenly it becomes a straight action-adventure story about a group of self-deprecating kids who don’t know their own abilities, who are straining under the pressure from their perfect parents, intimidated by the older (and sometimes not-so-nice) sidekicks, thrown together by the mere fact of their parents’ association. When a menace arises, they have to try to save the world, knowing they are bound to fail, trying anyway, and mocking themselves the whole way.
It totally works.
@Bill Myers: Electra Woman FTW! I actually picked up an action figure of her at SDCC this year! For the record I hated hated HATED Dyna Girl, she annoyed the crap out of me and I was 10 years old XD
While you’re at it, could you please explain how no one around her ever noticed the HUGE FREAKING WRISTBOX she wore even when in her secret identity? I remember yelling at the TV about that. I think I was MSTing it even before MST. I really wanted to like that show, but I kept screaming “it’s right there! Are you BLIND?” at the entire supporting cast. It was the only Krofft show I watched just because I loved to be smarter than it.
Okay, now for what lame-o character I’d fix: A truly lame concept from the old Marvel Premier days: PARADOX. Super spy in the future! On the MOOON! Flamingly gay (except for that woman–and then he’s gay in all but function). And he’s a Shapechanger!
There were two stories I remember, the origin story and then the one where he goes rogue (or in his case, rouge) and brings down the government he was formerly working for in the name of Racial (Species-al?) Equality and Justice for the Moon Men or something. Oh, and did I mention they keep mentioning he’s gay, except for the whole “likes men” part?
Oh and the art. Oh god, the art. I think someone did an analysis of this book from the bad science to the bad plot to the bad characterization to just the overall Badness.
I don’t know how I’d fix it and not make it a parody. But it sure would be fun to try.
oh, and @JimMcQ: I think Phil Foglio did a reboot of the IF as a one-shot? He did it with a redo of Angel and the Ape and made Angel the sister of Dumb Bunny. I don’t remember where it appeared but it was awesome.
LOL! OMG, I totally missed my website while I was down, because stuff like this happens:
“While you’re at it, could you please explain how no one around her ever noticed the HUGE FREAKING WRISTBOX she wore even when in her secret identity? I remember yelling at the TV about that. I think I was MSTing it even before MST. I really wanted to like that show, but I kept screaming “it’s right there! Are you BLIND?” at the entire supporting cast.”
CLASSIC!
This is the reason we have the internet. This amuses the heck out of me.
More, more!!!
You are the ONLY PERSON I KNOW who has EVER mentioned Paradox, which i don’t recall directly, but I do recall the complaints about it. Val Mayerik art, I believe. Is that the same book?
I don’t know if I still have my copies. I’ll try and dig them out. FWIW I just did a Google search and boy, it’s like the book no one wants to admit exists
Good news: found it
http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Comics:Marvel_Preview_Vol_1_24
bad news: BILL MANTLO? NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Bill Mantlo! Gasp! Choke! Oh, well.
Yeah, that’s it. I remember the dancing dude on the cover.
ok one more and I’ll stop spamming your blog: the tagline at the bottom of the cover, it’s a little small:
The Most Incredible Character Concept In The History of Illustrated Fantasy!
Yeah.
You’re not spamming my blog! You are introducing a whole new generation to the most incredible character concept in the history of illustrated fantasy!
LULZ!!!
That wouldn’t be Paradox then.
And, Arlnee — Bill Mantlo was one of my favourite comics writers, I’ll have you know. Micronauts? Genius. And how could you not love WoodGod…?
http://www.thefifthbranch.com/images/woodgod.jpg
The cover’s by Kirby — but the insides are Keith Giffen all the way!
Allan: That’s what I mean. So how did Paradox get out of the box? Who let this happen?
(oh, and according to his bio at the Marvel wiki:
Mantlo did not always have the time to polish his stories, but he made up for it with strong characterization, tight plotting, and endless inventiveness. Like most writers, with the right ingredients he could produce a great story; unlike most writers, when lacking those ingredients he never produced a bad one.” Um, point of order, there… :-/ )
About Paradox — bare chested, but with the long choker scarf? On the Moon?
Oooooooooookay. I am so not a Marvel reader.
For the record I hated hated HATED Dyna Girl, she annoyed the crap out of me and I was 10 years old
I watched a clip from the show on YouTube while my girlfriend was in the room. My girlfriend turned around and looked at me funny when Dyna Girl exclaimed, “Electra WOW!” I tried explaining who Electra Woman and Dyna Girl were, and why I was watching the clip, but my girlfriend just kept looking at me funny.
@Arlnee: Foglio’s I5 was icky, creepy, slimy, awful, gross, bad and foul. He has Dumb Bunny come on to Sam Simeon, proposing a li’l interspecies romance, on the basis that human men are too fragile for her. EWWW!
Let us never speak of it again. My I5 proposal is nice. Cute li’l kids trying to be superheroes, no continuity-wanking about anybody being some other character’s long-lost sibling, no creepy romances with animals. Nice. What’s wrong with nice?
Jim:
I inked one of Foglio’s naughty comics (can’t recall what it was, just a short story) and got a bit grossed out by an interspecies romance in another story in the book.
Just not my thing, and don’t want to even think about it. I have to go clean out my brain now.
Sorry for bringing that up, Colleen.
My key point remains that the Inferior Five is sitting there waiting patiently for somebody to make them brilliant.