A Distant Soil by Colleen Doran

Today we have a special guest blogger, Laura Cooper, a delightful lady who is a Lord of the Rings scholar and calligrapher. I own a beautiful original piece by her which hangs in my studio!

She’s not only working a sideline as a creator of beautiful and useful handmade herbal toiletries, but Laura has a secret identity! Read on!

Thanks for letting me reprint your article, which originally appeared at The Associated Press.

We have a number of guest bloggers lined up over the coming weeks. Humor, advice, and tales from the frontlines of the business. Thanks to everyone who has agreed to participate.

Super Duper Cooper Strikes Again! Read it here, first!

The conspiracy papers said she had been frightened into submission. Hollywood said she had retired. The government claimed she didn’t exist. Some suggested she went back to her home planet….BUT NO!!!

The doubters and detractors were proven wrong this morning when Super Duper Cooper (SDC) once again made a stand for manners and consideration on public transportation! Going to the archives, we can see that in the not too distant past, SDC has stood up to Animal Abusers, Spitters, Litterers, Movie Theater Talkers, FBomb Droppers in front of children AND those who flatulate in public with impunity.

Today, she took on a new challenge on the 165 Bus to the Port Authority from Westwood, NJ. And here she is to tell us her story in her own words. SDC, what happened today that made you break your cover?

“Well, you know me. I prefer whenever possible to keep a low profile and mind my business. But sometimes, frankly, I have just had enough and I simply must take a stand, if not for me, than for the unsuspecting fellow commuters everywhere. It was a gloomy overcast morning and I was quietly going about my morning bus routine when this positively enormous fellow plopped himself down in the seat next to me with a huff. I certainly don’t mind people sitting next to me and I never EVER deliberately put my briefcase on the seat to my side to prevent people from doing so (which is a common anti-social practice). However, I find that certain people make no effort to respect personal space and spread themselves out all over your half of the bench simply because they can. Anyway, I digress….”

“As the ride progressed, I began (in my typical fashion) to apply some makeup to get presentable for the office and I turned myself away from my bench sharer to gain the morning light from the window to my left. I was holding a little mirror closely to my face, facilitating the perfect application of under the eye cover up which effectively erases the weary dark circles, when out of the corner of the mirror, I could clearly see this goon of a man shove his thumb deeply up into his right nostril. After swirling it around a few times, he pulled out what appeared to be (note from Ed. SDC gagged a bit here) a large sticky booger. Naturally because my mirror was so small, I couldn’t see if he had a tissue in his other hand so I thought to myself, gee whiz, I wonder what he’s going to do with that thing. ”

“Well, no sooner had I thought it when he rolled that horrid glob about a few times between thumb and forefinger, lined it up for a goal and FLICK, he flung it into the aisle on the bus! My jaw veritably unhinged from my skull. A cold dead clammy feeling crept up my spine while the stark and sudden surprise left me speechless. Now Now, I thought to myself, mind your business. Maybe he doesn’t have a tissue. Maybe you should offer him one. And what harm is he doing by flicking boogers into an aisle where people walk and don’t sit….keep quiet and focus on putting on some blush so you don’t look like death warmed over. And so I began with my sable brush to color my cheeks to perfection. Once again, my magic mirror just happened to turn itself in just such a way that I just simply couldn’t help but notice that he went in for a second round of digging and excavation. FLICK, sent the refuse of his nose into a high reaching arc that seemed to glue itself to the armrest of the man across the open aisle, who happened to be asleep. Keep it together, Cooper. You have to take this bus everyday and it’s not as if… FLICK, and yet another meteor of mucus was flung and aimed itself again directly towards the helpless sleeping victim across the aisle. It landed and clung precariously to the seat in front of him.”

“I shut my eyes tight, whispered the Moktar chant of peace, tried to relax and attempted to ignore this assault upon decorum, good behavior and not to mention public health that was going on beside me. But I could feel that psychological call to unleash the full force of my public fury. In vain I tried subtle hints to indicate my displeasure. They included some very direct squinty eyed sneers, loud sighing and huffs after each launch, and at last some under the breath muttering about consideration and disgust when he continued to apply fingernail to nostril. And yet, *alas* this disgrace that sat beside me continued his work by moving on to his other nostril.”

“Feeling my blood begin to boil as well as my stomach begin to churn, I knew there was going to be a conflict. I finished the application of my lipstick (my mother always told me a woman can face anything with a great shade of lipstick on) as my senses heightened, skin tingled and I downloaded from my memory bank all the words I could think of to convey my horror, disgust and outrage over this conduct. Still, I waited in hope (vain as it was) that the swine beside me would remember where he was and stop the offending conduct when I saw him, WITH MY VERY OWN EYES, wipe a stringy booger deliberately on the seat in front of me so that he could divest himself of what appeared to be an apparently sticky number. THAT, dear citizens, was THE LAST STRAW.”

“Jesus Christ,” I hissed, trying to keep my voice low, “My God, stop that! You stop that right now! Are you seriously wiping your BOOGERS on the public bus seat?” I heard people in front of us gasp, and someone snickered. The subhuman booger launcher did not do anything other than turn his face away from me as best he could. I supposed I could have stopped myself then and there, but once unleashed, the strength of my public outrage and censure is very hard to contain. I continued with vehemence (still hissing rather catlike), “I have been sitting here watching you fling snot rockets all over this bus for the last 20 minutes and that is just disgusting. Pick your nose if you like, but don’t fling those things at other people. Get a tissue. Wipe it on your shirt or your pants. But don’t force other rides to deal with your body excretions. It’s disgusting and cut it out!”

“I guess this humiliation was too much for him to bear and he didn’t even attempt to lodge a defense. Although, in retrospect he must have known to attempt even the most mild pushback would have humiliated him further. In my elevated state (using the Cesar Milan animal training technique of calm but assertive energy) it must have been clear to him that I would have significantly raised my voice, drew the attention of the driver and the rest of the bus as well as deliberately waken the sleeping victim across the aisle who I suspected was covered in the sub human’s boogers and rallied a mob. In a weak kneed retreat, the swine just got up and tried to waddle himself to another seat. Two people refused to allow him to share their bench and finally he flopped next to someone in the back who was out cold. I prayed for that sleeping man (who could easily wake up covered in boogers) even while I myself was faced with the uncontained toxic Chernobyl booger minefield that the subhuman left behind. As we pulled into the port authority, I carefully slithered out of my seat, offered the subhuman a vicious glare and went on my way to work stopping only to reward myself with a McDonalds Hash brown for a job well done.”

“I’m pleased to report to you,citizens, that I think the subhuman will think again before subjecting the innocent population to his horrid habit of booger flinging. Shame and public censure is a powerful tool and if I said it once, I say it again. Don’t be afraid to use it!”

Well, there you have it folks. Direct from SDC herself. All I can say is I’m glad there are some folks left who still stand for Truth, Justice, Considerate Public Ridership and the American way.

Long live Manners!

Long live good behavior!

Long live keeping your body functions to yourself!

And Long live Super Duper Cooper; Defender of Good Public Behavior (AND chemically enhanced Blonds) everywhere.

Entire contents of this blog post copyright 2009 Laura Cooper. Used with permission.